Welp

Isn't it funny how sometimes when you make up your mind and decide to do something, that for no particular reason at all, it seems like life just tries to fight you on it? Like this writing project for example. It wasn't even Day 2 and work picked up, commitments got in the way, my body started to feel weak like I just needed rest. It was like the universe was just saying ha! ... nope.

Now normally, I would handle this one of two ways: 1) Fight it. Force it. Will it to go my way. Pull an all-nighter. Expend every ounce of energy I have to do what I said I would do until I single-handedly suck the joy right out of the idea or 2) Play the starring role of le victim. Whoa is me. I suck at life. Please bring me some smoked gouda for my whine and let me list you the endless ways that I have failed. And how I'll never write again. Because I can't. Oh please, won't you join me in my misery and self-absorbed drama all of which is taking place in some random vacant corner of my mind that, without even realizing it, is chipping away small bites of my self-esteem. Like a leaky faucet, one drop seems harmless, but soon I'm drowning in a pool of self-loathing and pity. Woof. That's out too.

I thought about my original intent -- why did I decide to commit to do this anyway? It's because I love to write and wander and write about wandering. It brings me joy and helps me marvel at the beauty and love that is with us always. It's because I want to develop a habit. I want to be able to say confidently that I'm a writer. I belong at the table. I can do this. I want to do this because I said I would do this. I signed up and I want to be a woman who honors her commitments, especially in an ever growing anti-committal culture. Neither of the two options above can do any of that. They offer zero joy, zero excitement and zero sense of accomplishment. So instead of getting all worked up, I considered a third, brilliant, but radical idea: what if i just extended myself grace? I mean real grace. What if I just picked up the mac and put my fingers to the keys on Day 5 to write Day 2. And what if I did it with joy, fighting the urge of being haunted by an unmarked task from the ghost of to-do list past.

Could I use this disappointment as an opportunity to practice letting go?

Surprisingly yes, but it's actually been harder than I thought. I hope you can extend me the same grace I am trying to offer internally. Forgiving myself for missing a deadline was one thing, but following it up with positive self talk and beginning again, that's been quite another. I tried to imagine that I was talking to one of my friends about one of their goals. Being gentle and encouraging with my set back as I would be their own. I had to get over the fact that even when I did go to write, this might not be my best. I'd find myself a little scared and embarrassed, not wanting to put it out there or share it, thinking of who would read it and what they would think. Or worse, who would never read it. I would need to edit it to make it good, oh but I wouldn't have enough time. With every anxious thought, I inhaled deeply and exhaled the thought "grace," loud enough in my own mind to drown out my insecurity, if only for a moment. And tell myself ever so gently, keep going. You can do this. It's going to be fun! Grace, little girl, grace. Let's just play.

It got me thinking about Jesus and how in the world He can remain so patient with us. Why hasn't he just smited us all already for all of our continual b.s.? I genuinely don't get it. In my mind, it makes the best case for Him truly being God because I can't see how it could be humanly possible to be so forgiving, especially when he was here one Earth. That kind of patience, mercy and kindness has to come from something else, something more. If God by definition is love, then maybe He is the one truly behind forgiveness and grace. Maybe, just maybe, if I could practice extending grace to myself I would accidentally (but by default) grow closer to God. Maybe I would begin to understand why He put this dream in my heart to begin with.

I've heard it said that you can only love others as much as you're willing to love yourself. What better opportunity is there than letting the feeling of self-doubt or failure go, driving you to lean inward and love deeper? What's waiting for you there isn't something else to do, but a sense of relief. A burden lifted. Stress dissipated. An acceptance. A gift of love. Of perfect peace.

We are human. We are naturally flawed. Riddled with imperfections and a tendency to fall short despite our best efforts or intentions. But we are good too in that we have free will. We have a choice. We can mess up and still be okay with it. We don't have to hold on to that regret or let it cripple us from moving forward. It's been paid for on a cross. Whether we like it or ask for it or not. We can fail nobly, humbly. Because we are loved immeasurably, if not yet by ourselves, indefinitely from our maker. We deserve it because He says we do. Rest in that. With love and acceptance, let your response be nothing more than a "welp" and wrap yourself in a cozy blanket of grace.