Reflections from the rockies

Yesterday this was my view as I was reflecting, meditating and praying from the top of the mountain at sunset. I was there remembering a beautiful life (the one of my friend and the one I imagined for myself). I sat in peace sending blessings to the sweet soul who inspired me to live fearlessly and love unconditionally and his wonderful family. I sent gratitude to the universe for hearing my prayers and for the breaths that allow me to enjoy this very moment in time.

Specifically on this day I am reminded how much life can change in an instant and how no matter what happens, God is always with us. And even when we forget that or disagree with it, He doesn't stop loving us. Instead He goes out of his way to make his love known. He paints us beauty like this to get our attention and make us at least pause and wonder. In those quiet moments of peace are when He whispers...

I love you.

I am with you.

I know you, I made you. And shhhh now, you are enough, just as you are.

Nothing you do or don't do will ever separate you from me, and my love for you.

Relax now.

Nothing is too much for me.

I will work it all out for good.

You'll see.

Just trust me.

Come sit with me. I'm cuddle you in a blanket of my grace.

I love you.

When I just stopped fighting and let go is when the magic truly began. Two years later, and I finally understand what they meant by surrender. The little scrappy fighter in me hates that word, but that is exactly what it was. A surrender to the divine. A going with the current instead of against it. A quieting of the ego and of pride. An acceptance of what is. A long exhale...

January 23rd, 2014 was one of the worst days of my life. For nearly a year, I was so sad I thought the pain in my chest would collapse in on me and keep me from breathing. The day challenged everything I believed. It wrecked my mind, my relationships and shattered my heart to pieces. And then made me feel guilty for even having the audacity to feel that way. After all it wasnt my family. But it broke me. In every way possible.

Yet fast-forward to January 23rd, 2015 when I first boarded an airplane for Tahiti to kick off one of the happiest years of my life. I was full of wonder and excitement. I was scared, but determined to be fearless, like my rock promised me I could be. And yes, I was mustering up confidence from an engraved stone I randomly picked out of a bag at a funeral that I believed had a very important message for me. I didn't believe it was a coincidence. I believed it was inspired by my friend and orchestrated by a higher power to nudge me along. I realize how crazy that sounds, but crazy or not, it worked. I got on the plane and off I went on the journey of a lifetime with a clear mind and an open heart that was soon flooded with love from quite literally all over the world. Sometimes I have to catch my breath and remember that it's not a dream, but that it all really did happen.

And once again, here we are on January 23rd and I am quite literally sitting on top of a mountain, enjoying THIS view. How did this happen? How did I get here?

I think it started with three words I muttered after an ugly cry that left me snot-faced on my kitchen floor:

Please help me.

Please. Please. Please...

That was all it took. When I finally let go is when God swept in. It was a blur of emotions, but a deep calm and strengthening of my spirituality. I was overwhelmed with unforeseeable blessings, unexpected gifts, countless miracles and coincidences that just didn't make any sense, but somehow were all working for good, aligning things I never saw coming. God had a plan bigger than the one I had for myself. And the more I trusted in something bigger than me, the more that something bigger delivered.

God knows the dreams tucked deep in our hearts, even the ones we are too scared to even whisper out loud. Yet if we just have the courage to have some faith, He will do the heavy lifting and make them come true in ways we never imagined possible. I've learned that just trusting in something I can never fully understand is the only thing I can actually understand. Life wants to be our friend, love wants us to succeed. We might not ever get to see it come fully to fruition, but then again we just might. And really, what do we have to lose either way?

Of course, I will always miss my friend dearly, when things are amazing or when they are not. Whether I'm wandering around the world, sitting on my kitchen floor or sitting on a mountain, I will think back on the short time we had together and the series of events that forever altered my life. I think back to how I pictured the next few years going back then, to how they are now, and they couldnt be more different. I don't think I got one thing right, ha! And while I'm eternally grateful it turned out that way, I still miss my friend. I still miss the possibilities. I think I always will.

However, the more I let that go and open my heart to the unknown, the more it seems to amaze me. As my faith grows stronger and I truly begin to believe and trust in the character of God, it really doesnt seem possible that death is the end. Instead it seems like a beautiful beginning that we are so lucky to see little glimpses of here and there... In the majesty of the mountains, the colors in the sunset, the love of our families and friends, the warmth from a good hug, the goosebumps when you're not cold, the peace that passes all understanding ...

I like to think my friend now gets to help create those moments for people all over time and space. He always was an artist. I think scenes like this one are touched by the beauty that was in his spirit, the endless love and compassion that filled his heart, the zest of energy that made his soul sing. And to that I think oh death! Now really? Where is your sting?

It's been a few years, but to those who love you, you are alive as ever in our hearts. Rest in peace. Or don't rest, and go on creating more magic instead. I'm looking forward to the day we meet again, but eternally grateful for every precious moment I get to spend right here. I might be sitting on top of the world, but I think you are on the team helping to create it. And for that I say thank you. Thanks for the memories, thanks for the inspiration. Thanks for the love. Namaste.